Perhaps, given the circumstances, I shouldn’t have expected to get any respite from it all, but it had been a long day, and I was thoroughly exhausted, so I followed Sherlock back to our home as though I thought the universe owed us some rest. Of course, if the universe made such an offer, Sherlock would refuse it wholeheartedly. As we walked, I could tell his mind was elsewhere, piecing together theories and actions for how we should act going forward.
As we reached our home, Sherlock placed his arm in front of me to halt my movement. “Look, Watson,” he said, gesturing towards the window.
I looked and saw two foreign silhouettes standing in our living room, along with the more recognisable form of Mrs.
Hudson.
“Who are they?” I asked.
“I don’t know… they’re quite a peculiar set of intruders.
One of them appears to be a typical, boring, upper middle-class city-goer.” He turned to me, “Quite a bit like you, Watson.” he added with a smirk before turning back to the window, “The other one though… quite queer dress for a Londoner.”
I focused on the other silhouette and found myself agreeing with Holmes. The other figure seemed to be wearing an Inverness cape and a deerstalker cap more typical of someone from the desolate moors of Dorset than London.
“What do we do?” I asked.
Sherlock reached into his frock coat and pulled out a revolver, handing it to me, “They don’t appear to be armed,
• 34 •
though we can’t exclude that possibility entirely. Stay behind me. I’m going to open the door.”
“But I already have a gun,” I tried to say, but Sherlock was already at the door and I had no choice but to follow.
Sherlock brutishly shoved the door open, causing it to bang against the wal and prompting an annoyed “Oy, watch it!”
from Mrs. Hudson. To avoid angering her further, I gently closed the door whilst Sherlock made his way to the living room where the intruders stood.
“Now, would you…” Sherlock began before stopping.
“Sherlock?” I asked, dashing to the living room.
We all stood for a moment, frozen by an immense confusion that had fallen upon everyone present. Now that we could see the intruders more clearly, the similarity Sherlock joked about between me became an exercise in irony. For a moment I thought Mrs. Hudson must’ve placed a looking glass in front of me, for we were identical! My lookalike seemed just as disturbed by the apparent similarity as I was.
The one wearing the deerstalker was also the subject of confusion because he seemed to look exceedingly similar to Sherlock, though the intruder also wore a bushy moustache that drooped down both sides of his mouth and flopped around as his lip trembled.
Eventually, my lookalike broke the silence. “I know it’s perhaps not the most relevant thing to ask, but did you just refer to my companion as ‘Sherlock?’”
“No,” I answered out of politeness, “I referred to my companion as Sherlock.”
“Well, I don’t think my companion would think of you in the same terms as you think of him, given that you can’t even say his name correctly. It’s Herlock!”
I turned to Sherlock, “Do you know him?”
Sherlock turned to me, “I know his face, but not his claims.” he then turned to my lookalike, “Why are you so sure that my name is Herlock?”
• 35 •
The Cosmology of Sherlock Holmes The man in the deerstalker stepped forward, “You dullard, he’s referring to me! Now stop harassing Dr Wilson and get out of my house before I have Mrs. Higson phone the police.”
I was absolutely baffled “But we live here!”
Mrs. Hudson decided to leave the room. I wish I had followed her.
Sherlock stepped towards the man in the deerstalker,
“You’re name’s Herlock?”
The man nodded, “Herlock Sholmes, don’t wear it out.”
Sherlock turned to my doppelganger, “And you’re… Dr Wilson?”
My doppelganger nodded.
“Interesting…” said Sherlock with high amusement in his voice.
Herlock seemed to be getting redder in the face, “I don’t know why you find our names so funny.”
Sherlock waved his hand, “Well, I must inform you that, despite whatever you believe you know about the world you live in, this isn’t your house. It is the home of I, Sherlock Holmes, and my dearest companion Dr. Watson, rented from our landlady Mrs. Hudson.”
Herlock turned to Wilson, “Could you deal with them, please? I don’t like this man, it’s like I’m talking to Lewis Carrol.”
Wilson nodded and pulled out a gun, prompting me to pull out mine. Seeing that we were at a standstill, I pulled out my own pistol, but, when I looked up, I saw that Wilson also had a second gun. “Bugger,” we uttered in simultaneous annoyance.
“Mrs. Higson, call the police!” Herlock yelled.
Sherlock tutted, “She’s Mrs. Hudson, and you don’t want that. I have the papers, I can prove that we are the owners and you are the intruder, and they’ll arrest you.”
Herlock got so close to Sherlock that their noses were nearly touching, “Is that your racket, ‘Sherlock’? Do you go around stealing houses by pretending to have similar names to their owners? Your fake name doesn’t even make sense. At
• 36 •
least Watson is a real name. ‘Sherlock Holmes’? You just switched the S around! Who in their right mind would name a child ‘Sherlock’?”
Sherlock sighed, “To answer your first question, no, we don’t have a racket, we just live here… now, if you’d like to stop yelling, there are some questions I’d like to ask you which could be mutually beneficial–”
“Sod off, I’m not working with an imposter.”
“Herlock,” said Wilson, timidly, “maybe this isn’t our house after all. I mean, think about it; your key didn’t work on the door, the housekeeper looks very different from Mrs.
Higson, and you haven’t been able to find your double bass anywhere… and then there were all those other oddities you noticed whilst roaming the streets. Maybe walking through that door–”
“Nonsense,” Herlock grunted. “Though… if these imposters claim they have a legal advantage over us, then maybe it’s too dangerous to stay here.” he grabbed his assistant’s arm and began walking out, “Come on, Wilson, I’ll pay for a hotel. A real nice expensive one.”
Wilson tried to object, but his utterances remained incomplete as Herlock pulled him out of our house. I tried to chase them, but Sherlock stopped me.
“Watson,” he said, “normally I’d commend your efforts, but you need to rest.”
“But you said you had questions for them!”
“Yes, Watson, but it’s not like I can’t ask them tomorrow.
Besides, given their beliefs, I don’t think they’ll go far from here. I’ll have the Irregulars keep an eye on them. Now, go sit down.”
As he spoke, Mrs. Hudson walked in with two cups of tea,
“You’re the real ones this time, right? Sherlock and Watson?”
we nodded, “Good. I’m not making any more tea tonight. I have a headache.”
“I hope you don’t mind me playing my violin, then,” said Sherlock.
• 37 •
The Cosmology of Sherlock Holmes Mrs. Hudson groaned as she went out of the room, leaving us both alone to rest. I think I slept, though not for long. Sherlock probably stayed awake all night in an attempt to untangle this thick web of confusion. Part of me can’t help but wonder if Herlock Sholmes and Wilson spent their night in a similar fashion.
• 38 •